Chocolate's
The Divine Gift from the Gods (and also a good excuse to avoid the gym)
A Brief History of Chocolate (or How We Got So Obsessed)
Chocolate’s history is old. Like, really old. Back in 1500 BC, the Olmecs (a civilization in ancient Mesoamerica) figured out how to turn cacao beans into the world’s first “caffeine addiction.” They didn’t have Starbucks, so they mixed cacao with chili and drank it. Sounds like an episode of Survivor: Ancient Edition.
Then, enter the Aztecs, who decided to take it a step further by using cacao beans as currency. That’s right—imagine going to the store and paying for a gallon of milk with a handful of chocolate chips. “Sorry, I don’t have cash today, but I’ve got 3 pounds of chocolate, is that cool?”
When the Spanish conquistadors rolled in and tried chocolate, they thought, “Hmm… This doesn’t taste like Taco Bell sauce, but we’ll add sugar anyway.” They made it sweeter and spiced it up with cinnamon. It was like the world’s first latte. From there, the chocolate train only went downhill into too much sugar territory. And that, my friends, is how we ended up with milk chocolate.
The Different Types of Chocolate (Aka, the Four Stages of Your Relationship with Chocolate)
Dark Chocolate
Dark chocolate is like that emotionally distant friend who claims to “be fine” but secretly is filled with existential dread. It’s intense. It’s bitter. It’s the kind of chocolate that makes you feel sophisticated—like you’re an art critic or a highly refined robot with a taste for the finer things in life. The more cacao, the less sugar... and suddenly, you're questioning life itself after every bite.
Milk Chocolate
Milk chocolate is the people pleaser of the chocolate world. It’s sweet, smooth, and universally liked. It's the “Hey, I brought donuts!” friend who walks into the room, and everyone’s like, “YES, please, I’ll take 3 of those!” Milk chocolate doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t make you think about your life choices—it just delivers a reliable, sugary punch to your taste buds and moves on. We love you, milk chocolate, but we’re definitely going to eat you at 3 AM while watching bad reality TV.
White Chocolate
Okay, let's be real. White chocolate is kind of the fashionista of the group. It’s a diva. It’s got the luxury look, but it doesn’t actually do the chocolate thing, does it? It’s like, “Hey, I’m technically chocolate, but I don’t even have the guts to have any cocoa solids in me.” It’s basically the Kardashian of chocolate—it’s a treat, but it has zero chocolate credibility.
Ruby Chocolate
Ruby chocolate is like that new kid in class who suddenly shows up in the middle of the semester and is all like, “I’m different, and I’m here to confuse your brain”. It’s pink, it’s got a fruity taste, and you’re not entirely sure if you should like it, but you’re kinda into it. Ruby chocolate is basically chocolate for people who want to make a statement: “I’m not basic… I eat fancy pink chocolate.”
Benefits
Chocolate's Health Benefits (aka, Reasons to Eat 12 Bars a Day Without Guilt)
01
It Boosts Your Mood
Ever wonder why eating chocolate feels like a hug for your soul? That’s because it triggers the release of endorphins, the "I’m about to eat an entire pizza but I feel GREAT" hormones. So, you’re technically improving your mood every time you unwrap that chocolate bar. Doctor’s orders!
03
It’s a Brain Food
Chocolate is like brain fuel. It contains flavonoids, which improve blood flow to the brain, making it easier for you to solve a puzzle, think critically… or at least figure out how to binge-watch an entire season of Stranger Things in one sitting without feeling guilty.
02
It's Good for Your Heart:
Who needs a gym when you have dark chocolate? Studies suggest that eating small amounts of dark chocolate can improve blood circulation and lower your blood pressure. That’s right—chocolate can make your heart healthier! You know what else can make your heart healthier? Not eating an entire chocolate cake in one sitting, but we’re just going to ignore that.
04
It Fights Fatigue
Ever been tired and then eaten a piece of chocolate and instantly thought, “Wow, I could run a marathon… or at least walk to the fridge for more chocolate”? Yeah, turns out that’s not just your imagination. Chocolate contains caffeine and theobromine—two ingredients that help you feel more awake. You’re basically drinking a cup of coffee, but make it chocolate flavor.
Facts
Weird Chocolate Facts (aka, Things You Should Never Tell Your Therapist)
01
Chocolate Was Used as Currency
Remember that time you didn’t have enough cash at the coffee shop? Well, back in ancient Mesoamerica, you would’ve been fine if you just had some cacao beans. The Aztecs used chocolate as a form of currency. Imagine paying for your latte with a handful of Hershey's Kisses. Now that’s my kind of economy.
03
Chocolate Causes Panic Attacks in Ants
You know that moment when you accidentally drop a piece of chocolate and feel like you’ve just unleashed Armageddon? Well, turns out, ants are also obsessed with chocolate. One little crumb and they’ll swarm it like there’s no tomorrow. If you've ever had ants in your kitchen, you know that chocolate is the cause of their total panic-induced rebellion.
02
Chocolate Can Kill Dogs
Did you know chocolate is toxic to dogs? Yeah, that's right. You’ve been eating it like it’s no big deal, but if your dog gets into your stash of chocolate, you're in trouble. Chocolate is a literal “No” for dogs. So maybe stop giving them chocolate just because they look cute when they beg. They have their own treats. Let’s respect that.
04
Chocolate Makes You Happier (No, Really)
Chocolate has been proven to increase serotonin levels in the brain—so eating chocolate is basically like having your own private party in your head. It’s not just chocolate, it’s a mood revolution in your mouth. Just make sure you don’t eat it in front of a mirror. You’ll be too busy loving yourself after that chocolate. It’s contagious.